Monthly Archives: April 2013

From the Desk

“From Dust to Dust” Paperback now available

The 17th Man’s diary of the Tour of India is now available as a paper back from amazon.com and amazon.co.uk.

You can tell your Facebook Friends about From Dust to Dust HERE and receive a free eBook to download – that essential guide for all touring cricketers, Nanna’s Travel Tips.

Armchair Selector

We’re pleased to conitune our relationship with The Armchair Selector.  Check out the latest applications for the Ashes Squad from Sir Jadeja, Kevin Rudd and Israel Folau here.

Looking Forward

The applications for the Ashes Squad came flooding in – sort of – and we’re collecting them up, along with a few we wrote ourselves, and are planning to publish them in a short ebook to launch the Ashes Tour.  We’ll let you know when it comes out – special offers for subscribers will abound!

Enjoy your brand of footy until the cricket starts up again – only two weeks to NZ Vs England!

Dave & Jeremy

Ashes Squad Applications – April 24

The pressure has been on for the last few days, as Cricket Australia has been on our backs to finalise our squad recommendations.  There were hundreds of applications, and picking the cream for the selectors to consider has not been easy – The Prof, The Freak and I have been working day and night.

Anyway, here’s a selection of what we put forward. We’ll see if the selectors took any notice of what we said when the squad is named – and more importantly, if we’re in it!

The Teletubbies

The four of us would like to apply together to be the bowling group for the Australian team. It may not have been obvious to everyone that Dipsy has a doosra and Laa-Laa can hit a length.  Po may be small but the round thing on her head is perfect for testing misshapen balls, while Tinky Winky can carry useful stuff in his handbag, and the triangle on his head is perfect for setting up the snooker balls when the team is out for some stick in a local pub.
We’d be able to help speed up the game as the third umpire would be able to redirect replays for the DRS to our tummies.  Brilliant! “Eh-Oh!”

Graeme Swan

Dear Sir,
Great news!  Wisden wrote to me guaranteeing a 28% lift in my career MVP rating this year if the operation to double joint my elbow succeeds.  Muruli mentioned I would finally be able to give the new ball more revolutions getting to the batsman than it takes skipping to the boundary. Sri Lankan wit is still as closed to me as an old girls’ book club.
And that is my point. The only thing that divides us is an ocean of blue water, a bunch of unruly convicts, colonial pride, Her Royal Highness and an aging Prince.
I am an Englishman. I love  spring summers and winter autumns. I love the dark, the depth of wintry cold, the tree-lined sunken lanes, the pebbly shores, the wash of history, this old island, this England. I am a patriot.
But I live for cricket and for Test match cricket in particular. I love the Ashes – the crowds, our Army, our team, winning in Australia and the sprinkler head. I was the X-factor in Team England’s spin demolition of The Men in Blue in India, a triumph beyond reach for others – winning, again, something that’s worth a quick mention.
I know that for you the dark of night must seem very dark indeed, and long, much like winter on the Russian steppes.  I understand your pain yet I am  magnanimous.  I want others to share my success. And so I offer you redemption through high revolution spin.

Joel Madden

Winning a Logie for Best New Talent means that I’ve got really Orssie Credentials for playing cricket – is that what the Ashes is for?  Who died anyway?
The other thing I bring to the table is a great deal of cross-over brand recognition through my KFC spruiking.  Someone said the “F” stands for “Fried”, but I wasn’t falling for that sh*t.
Assume I’ll be doing the team song?

 

Black Caviar

I am from Bel Esprit – Helsinghe by Desert Sun, an exceptional royal pedigree. I am worth more pound for pound than a squad of chancy first generation Test cricket nags. My family includes stakes winners Muirfield Village, Russian Tea Room, Frosty the Snowman and Midnight Sun, each traced from the unraced Vain mare Song of Norway. Beat that!
I am seeking a less energetic profession.  My manager suggested mud wrestling, travel writing, pearl fishing, or Arctic exploration paired with four tall black stallions.  We settled on cricket because of its mature betting market.
I also flog a highly successful 9 piece grooming set that is more popular in Ireland and the Scottish midlands than SW’s discount sets of red jocks and eyeliners. The set includes the best selling ‘Silky Detangler Spray’, an eco-friendly oil free formulation that protects cricket whites from urine, grass and manure stains, and a high gloss waterproof hoof enamel perfect for damp conditions.
I bat at no. 2. I can hold an end for day’s as long as I have a chaff bag and high quality grass – I’m a big paddock mare. Cricket ovals are fine. I bat 3 yards outside the crease like KP, the English stallion. I accumulate runs slowly like Mr. Ed. Only Flat Stanley has more not outs.
Those who bowl to me end up bald and bleary eyed. How can one bowl sensibly to a horse, let alone a champion brood mare like me, and survive the animal liberationists and loss of twitter followers?

Flat Stanley

My name is Stanley Lambchop. My friends call me Flat Stanley after a heavy notice board flattened me like a pancake in my sleep.
Being flat is no disadvantage. I have been an excellent Batsman all my life.  Bowlers cannot bowl easily to a batsman they can barely see.  Bouncers and rib ticklers, leg slips and short legs are redundant positions. Spare fielders camp at deep backward square, or wander the outfield like brown’s cows.
Bowlers end up bowling full at the stumps because I bend with the wind every other delivery and frankly there is nowhere else to bowl.  I am uncompromising in the V – whilst I am flat, my bat is not – and strike the boundary ball like Bradman.  I hold the record for consecutive not outs for a no. 3 – 434 .
I do the team jobs no one else wants to do.  I connect people well slipping into opposition team meetings to play a hand or two of scissor paper rock to sort the bowling order, swap player cards and travel tips.  I attend Coach and Selector meetings to boost player communication, although I missed the last Coach-Captain meeting in Sri Lanka for the Black Caps.  I field very edgily at silly, silly short leg.   Batsmen find my shadowless fluttering close to the wicket immensely frustrating.
I am an excellent team player and don’t mind being under a drink.  I am larger than life.  When pumped up I tell a breathtaking gag.  (My stammering sent a group of Egyptian tomb raiders mad.  I landed days later on the Hudson with Flight 1549 taped to the exit door.)  I am unique.  You need unplayable men like me.

 

You can buy The 17th Man’s Diary fo the India Tour – “From Dust to Dust” – as an ebook or paperback from amazon.com (US, India and Australia residents) or amazon.co.uk  (UK residents).

Sign up for news on updates, special offers and new releases here.

You can read more from The 17th Man at ArmchairSelector.com

 

Diary of the 17th Man – April 11

This Test Squad business is driving me mad. The waiting is killing me, while CA has put The Prof and The Freak in charge of vetting applications for the squad (the whole sorry tale is here), and they’re struggling to make any sense out of most of them.  They keep asking me to comment. How am I supposed to decide who’s in the running to take a spot in the team that I want?

This is typical of what arrived in the inbox this morning:

Shane Warne

Was expecting them to come begging rather than asking for applications, but here goes.
I’ve played a bit, and taken 708 Test Wickets, all bowled with a straight arm.  Well known for Ball of the Century, Text of the Century, YouTube video of the Century, Tweet of the Century and Hair Treatment of the Century.
Fitter than I’ve ever been (thanks Liz), raring to go.  Text me.

George W Bush

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

David Beckham

Good with bending balls, so should be able to adjust to the small red one easily. Familiar with English conditions.  Will be able to show that pretender Mitch Johnson a thing or two about tattoos and modelling underwear. Vicky will raise the tone amongst the WAGS, and is sure to sort the frocks out for the next Allan Border Medal. At 37, old enough to be a senior player from the off.

Contact the manager, he’ll talk cash.

 

Submit your application for the Australian team as a comment here or to 17thmandiary@gmail.com

The Armchair Selector

The team at The Diary of The 17th Man is pleased to announce a link up with the multi-sports website The Armchair Selector.

The 17th Man will be posting in the cricket section occassionally, and doing an end-of-test round-up through The Ashes.  Daily goodness will still be found right here!

Check out The 17th Man’s first post at Armchair here, and see how the process is going for recruiting the Ashes Squad.  While you’re there, listen to co-author Dave Cornford being interviewed about The 17th Man on Episode 37 of Armchair’s podcast.

Meanwhile, don’t forget to write your application for the squad for The Ashes right here.  Leave a comment, or email us at 17thmanDiary@gmail.com. We’ll put some examples up to inspire you soon!

Dave and Jeremy

Diary of the 17th Man – 8 April

Life is strange. After all the stress and excitement of the Tour, there’s not much to do sitting around at home waiting for the Ashes Squad to be announced. Apart from reading through the CA Contracts list, wishing my name was on there somewhere. I’ve checked ten times, it’s still not there. With the mix of Test, ODI and T20 “Specialists”, it’s hard to pick where I stand, really, apart from at the end of the queue. I’m not expecting to play in the Champion’s Trophy, but with the 30 player list being kept “top secret”, everyone keeps asking me if I’m going.  If I say “I can’t tell you,” they say “He’s Going!”.  If I say “No, I don’t think so,” they say “Well, hard to break into Ashes Squad from outside.”  What do they know? I’m a Test incumbent, and I’ve got a freaking Baggy Green to prove it!

Dad has gotten over the disappointment of having his son play in one of Australia’s biggest ever cricketing disasters.  Every time Thea and I go over there for a meal he drops a hint about bringing the Baggy Green for a visit. He wears it, straightens the peak, fondles it, has his photo taken in it.  I don’t mind at all, he’s done plenty to earn it over the years, but I draw the line at letting that dumb spaniel have a photo taken wearing it.  If it found its way onto facebook, I’ll end up on a Contrary Conduct charge.

A strange parcel was delivered at home today.  It had been addressed to me at the hotel we stayed at in Mohali, then forwarded on. It was a bit battered after its journey, so I couldn’t read the “sender” panel.  Inside was a note saying “Pass these onto your coach” and a wad of 457 Temporary Skilled (Work) Visa application forms.  I’m not sure what he was planning to do with these, but if he picked me as a sop who would just pass them on without asking any questions – like “Can I have a game or I’ll leak this to the press?” – he was wrong.

I remember now that in the middle of HomeWorkGate, I overheard the loons from Team Management talking about ways to recruit new players.  One of them suggested setting a refugee processing centre up on the footpath outside Ravi Ashwin’s old school.  There are plenty of hell-holes in the world that people are willing to risk their lives to escape from, but I doubt St Bede’s Chennai is one of them.

Still waiting.  Still watching snippets of friends and opponents alike raking in the cash playing in the IPL.  Still hitting the bowling machine every day in case the call up comes.

 

Note:  The collected diary entries of The 17th Man are available as an ebook for kindle and kindle apps from amazon.com and amazon.co.uk

© 2013 Dave Cornford & Jeremy Pooley

Help for the Australian Selectors 2

The dilemma facing the Australian Selectors in naming the Ashes squad is clear, the Contracts List out Wednesday having done nothing to clear the fog. They need YOUR wicked wisdom to help them out!  Read this job advertisement and submit your application now for yourself or on behalf of someone (real or imagined) worthy of wearing the Baggy Green.

Calling all Sultans of Spin

Cricket Australia seeks the services of bowlers able to make a cricket ball, of varying ages, deviate from it’s original line or length in the air and in either or both directions off the pitch when projected at less than 100 kms / hour. This is a specialist “spinner” role not to be confused with the more common “pie chucker” role part-time batsmen often perform.  The artful “spinner” is essential to WIN matches and complete the required over rate in the hour before stumps. Cricket Australia offers an exceptional opportunity to practice your craft in a highly motivating team environment with a national employer of choice.
meme2bDue to a challenging Test and short form schedule starting in May, several contract opportunities exist for the right candidates to join the team immediately. Remuneration is exceptional based on form and match performance.

The Spinner’s role is to take wickets and tie-up an end for long spells (days) in all playing conditions as directed from time to time by The Captain, Coach, vice-Captain, Team Manager, the Director of High Performance and the Chairman of Selectors. Experience batting 5-6 sessions to save a match will be highly regarded.

Essential skills and experience
– Demonstrated ability to ‘rip 6 off the pitch’ every over, preferably out of the back of the hand
– Team work and completion of all prescribed written and oral examinations
– Experience as a lead singer
– Double jointed elbows or wrists
– A clean drug testing record
– Good teeth

Cricket Australia is an equal opportunity employer, and does not discriminate based on age, gender, nationality, religion, political affiliation, bowling average, facial hair, ample girth or strange telephonic habits. Successful international candidates may be eligible for an expedited s.457 work visa.

Applications
Send your written application to 17thmandiary@gmail.com by 15 April 2013.
Applications can be of any length. We welcome humour, parody, satire, literary or historical allusion of any sort if it promotes the game of cricket.

A short-list will be published for public comment. All rights in submitted applications shall belong to the 17thmandiary.

Help for the Australian Selectors 1

The dilemma facing the Australian Selectors in naming the Ashes squad is clear, the Contracts List out yesterday having done nothing to clear the fog. They need YOUR wicked wisdom to help them out!  Read this job advertisement and submit your application now for yourself or on behalf of someone (real or imagined) worthy of wearing the Baggy Green.

SOS for run-making batsmen.

Cricket Australia seeks the services of iconic batsmen to help the national team reclaim its birth right as the best Test team in the world.

meme1bDue to challenging Test and short form fixtures starting in May, contract opportunities exist for the right candidates to join the team immediately.  Remuneration is exceptional based on form and match performance.  The team offers all the technical, psychological and sociological counselling, including post-career coaching positions in New Zealand, you need to develop your career in a highly motivating team environment with a national employer of choice.

The batsman’s main responsibility is to WIN matches by scoring heaps of runs in all playing conditions.  Ability to bat all day, and often the next, to save a match will be highly regarded.  You will also be required to field close to the bat as directed from time to time by The Captain, Coach, vice-Captain, Team Manager, the Director of High Performance and the Chairman of Selectors.

Essential skills and experience
– 400 continuous repetitions hitting a golf ball with a stump against corrugated iron
– Track record of scoring 100’s in any form of the game, including backyard cricket and IPL
– Team work, kit cleanliness, and timely completion of all tasks as instructed
– Experience in contemporary dance
– Mastery of the chirp and send-off
– A clean drug testing record

Cricket Australia is an equal opportunity employer and does not discriminate based on age, health (alive or dead), gender, nationality, religion, political affiliation, lack of Test or representative experience, or use of hair product, although it discriminates on every other basis.  Successful international candidates may be eligible for an expedited s.457 work visa.

Applications
Send your written application to 17thmandiary@gmail.com by 15 April 2013.
Applications may be of any length.  We welcome humour, parody, satire, literary or historical allusion of any sort if it promotes the game of cricket.

A short-list will be published for public comment. All rights to submitted applications belong to the 17thmandiary.com

Diary of the 17th Man – eBook now Available

D17Man Cover“From Dust to Dust – Australia’s Tour of India 2013″

Find out what really happened on the Tour of India through the outrageous chronicles of the 17th Man as he picks over the daily entrails of a Tour gone wrong.
Australian Cricket Tours of India always start with winning expectations that are ever so slowly deflated by stifling days watching dusty pies belted over the boundary ropes and a curry smorgasbord that runs through you like the Ganges. Mental disintegration under pressure is nothing new. Add the spice of HomeWorkGate, persecution of the Mohali 4, debilitating on-field performances and a dash of sledging and you have enough explosive to shake the pillars of Australian cricket.

Regular readers of this blog will have seen this material before, but the ebook offers you the ebb and flow of the whole saga in one place, conveniently on your device of choice.

AVAILABLE NOW at amazon.com and amazon.co.uk at the special introductory price of US$0.99 or just 75p until Friday 5 April.  For your kindle or kindle app for iPad, iPhone, Android, PC or Mac.
Also available for other devices from Smashwords.