The Squad – India 2013

The players:

Mr Bean (Opener):  Debonair. As casual as you like. Precise kit packer. Prankster. Jazz player. IT man.  Thinker.

Puff (Opener):  Short and powerfully built backwoodsman. A big six man. Loves a joke. Quick. Dives for everything. Hands bigger than Wicky’s gloves. Tweeter.

Lucky (No3): Lefty. Unstoppable when in form. Straight shooter. Desperate to prove a point in India.

Hollywood (No4): Tall, well built surfer class all-rounder batsman.  Takes time alone to reflect, relax, renew. Joker and gentleman. A true cricket brain.

The Captain (No5): The consummate cricket professional. Leads from the front “power of one”, Type-A. Loves winning Tests. Footwork like a dancer. Tweeter.

Wicky (Wicketkeeper): Short and hairy. Communal spitter due to larynx injury removing a stump in U13 20/20 final. Loves sledging. Keeper of the team song. Learning to tweet.

Jacka (All rounder): Bob the Builder type. Jack of all trades, recognised master of none. In India to prove a point. Humorist and one-time stand up comic. Tweeter.

The Freak (Quick): Reliable  ‘Go To’ man when behind the eight ball. Takes the mickey.  Innovator. Drawer, pastel painter.  Easily bored

Rocket Man (Quick): Young clean tearaway with occasional reverse swing.  Huge wraps. Heavy mortgage on his future.  Guitar player, dancer and Boy band lover. Tweeter.

Mr Darcy (Quick): Engaging dark hair dark-eyed striker with an action smooth as silk. The right word for every occasion. Ladies man.  Tweeter.

Plopper (No1 Spinner):  Test regular. Only ever wanted to bowl for Australia. Slept with a ball since he was six. Will play even if not selected.

Trapper (Reserve): Spare whatever. Likes running out with the physio when players are injured and at drinks with messages for the players. An optimist.

The Reject Club

Gipper (Spinner): Test discard. Spins the ball in a left-right breeze, sometimes. Occult expert.

Rabbit (Spinner): Young. Short like a rabbit.  Nice guy. Third option spinner if no one else is available. Working hard on his batting.

Mantis (Quick):  Tall beanpole. Second change swinger. Fitness fanatic. Yoga man and ocean swimmer.

Prof (Batsman, occasional keeper): The curly-haired bespectacled brains of the team. Triple maths major.  Soothsayer and satirist.  Loathes curry but loves India. Thinks only birds tweet.

17th Man (Batsman): Diarist.

Support Crew

Coach:  Brown-eyed giant.  Former insolvency practitioner (somewhere south of the Capel).  Styled himself as a performance turnaround expert after sharing a bottle of bubbly with the late Bob Woolmer in Kingston, Jamaica in 2007.  Rates the current Australian Tour of India as his biggest careeer challenge.  Shows mild bi-polar symptoms.  Risk-taker under pressure. Likes a bet

Darren (team psychologist): Catholic seminarian turned clinical psychologist (Oxford) after a stint as first XV rugby coach with a name public school.  Member, IOC Banned Substances Committee 2010-2011.  Chummy with the Chairman of Selectors who signed him up on a “losing tour” so he can finish his PhD in predictive on-field decision-making.  Greeny.  Occult expert and exorcist

Team management:  A motley crew of 15 Gen Y seasonal fruit-pickers from the Lachlan Valley, NSW hired on the cheap by the ACB to manage press (keep them away) book team events, accommodation, and repair player kit etc.  (Money saved has been added to the player bonus pool).  Otherwise they are a waste of space

Massai (team masseur): Warrior.  Sought a city change in 2007 as back-walker in the Dallas Cowboy’s defensive unit.  Minor scandal with the Cowgirl’s masseuse.  Transferred to Mathilda’s in 2008, and to the men’s Test squad after the Ashes defeat in 2012.  Arthritic knuckles.  Champion muscle tenderiser.  Darren likes him.  He thinks Darren is a prat.


© 2013 Dave Cornford & Jeremy Pooley

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

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